Relentless

...Twenty-four finds me in twenty-fourth place...

Life is not what I thought it was twenty-four hours ago.  Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You. And I'm not who I thought I was twenty-four hours ago. Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You.

Twenty-four reasons to admit that I'm wrong, with all my excuses still twenty-four strong. But see I'm not coping out, when You're raising the dead in me.

Oh, I am the second man. Oh, I am the second man now. Oh, I am the second man now

  -Excerpts from Switchfoot's "24"


Today is my last day of 24. Tomorrow, I embark on a new year, new challenges, new hopes, new dreams, while still facing old problems, old dreams, but leaving the past behind. The above song reflects many of the challenges I faced in the last year. "Twenty-fourth place" is a reminder of where I felt I was in meeting my expectations and those held over me. Life changed dramatically so many times within 24-hours. News would come that would shatter and rock the world as I knew it.

I've endured so much heartache the last year. A year ago, I was just wanting to know what it was like to love and be loved by someone. My heart was happy in its singleness, yet it still ached to have someone, and it was also so broken from being torn down by an unhealthy (nondating) relationship. I was fully embracing this season of starting to step into who I was, relishing the start of going for nursing, of new dreams and sensing a dramatic transition beginning in my life.

A year later, I sit in reflection of just a few things of what I've learned in the last year.

1. God is God. He's sovereign.
2. He's always going to be there, and He's extremely close and tender to us in our brokenness.
3. It's not about finding meaning in our suffering. As some sermons I heard this year state "It's about bringing meaning TO our suffering."
4.. You can choose the people you love and fall in love with (and choose not to).
5.  Community (locally and far away) - friendships, mentors, roommates, school colleagues, church, small groups, etc. -  is absolutely essential.
6. In my weakness, I found have more strength and courage than I ever knew.
7. I feel like I've finally had the ability to step out into who I truly am, unashamedly.
8. Never settle for less than what God desires of you - in a spouse, in a friendship, in desiring unity. Fight for it.


I've endured so much brokenness in the last year. My main support group - my second family - my small group dissolved and folded. My 6 closest friends moved away - three were my best friends. Family members were struck by cancer, illness, disunity and strife, other issues. Finances struggled. School was the biggest challenge yet. For the first time in 3 years, I seriously dated, even loved, and then chose to break up with him for good reason, enduring a broken heart. I was in solitude, alone, during one of the toughest seasons of my adult life thus far. I was forced to start rebuilding. So much more. For a while, all I could do was "hold down the hatches", duck for cover, cry and pray in God's arms for it to be over.

God is relentless.

He's relentless in His love and care of me - preparing my heart, when I wouldn't listen to him in the middle of 24, some parts at the end. He's relentlessly loving me, no matter how hard I push, I pull. I've heard Him speak louder to me than ever before. Even if it's a tiny whisper "You're going to be okay, I've got this, girl." Or a "loud" voice, encouraging me to step out of my comfort zone. I've felt His arms wrap around me in my darkest moments, in my happiest and felt Him smile upon me. It's wonderful. He's sent people to provide a word of comfort,  of truth, of correction even. He opens up my brokenness in the exact moment I don't want to - when I need to. I'm still so broken, but He's healing me.

He's relentlessly outpouring gifts. He's given me strength in my weakness I never knew I had. When all I wanted was a shoulder to lean on, I leaned on God. There were times I could run to a doorstep of some amazing woman, show up crying, and I would have a hug, and assurance of God's faithfulness. Courage to make one of the toughest decisions of my life this year. I'll never regret it. But it was hard.

God's relentless in His faithfulness. I've never had to worry that He's not moving, because I've seen Him. He was always near me, encouraging me, loving me in my worst moments. I heard Him speak. Even the times I heard nothing, He was still the only one I could come to in my brokenness.

He's relentless in pursuing community. He's brought in community, friendships, a new small group right when I needed it. I've learned the value of community and what happens to your heart and spirit without it. I'm so thankful for the past year of friendships that have been built stronger, or started anew and become close. My family has been amazing in coming together for unity at the right times.

He's relentless in showing me truth. So many lies uncovered. About how I feel about myself, my responsibilities, my expectations. I've had pretty high expectations of where I'd be by 25, and what people expect of me by now. It's hard to say "I didn't meet them". But I'm pursuing amazing dreams, like nursing, like friends, a balance. I've learned to never settle for less than what God wants of me - and not in that prideful way. I'm just saying "as much as I'd want - desire for what ever I'm doing - to be enough, it's not...and God is showing a purpose in this pain". I've stepped into who I am. Things have changed. For example, I don't dress the same way I used to. I may even own a "scandalous" item or two in the eyes of some extreme conservatives. But I don't believe it's wrong.

He's relentless in dreaming, and giving me dreams. I've got some pretty crazy dreams on board for five years from now once I graduate from nursing school and get some experience. And they all fill me with a passion for the people underprivileged and overlooked HERE.

He's relentlessly tearing down sin and their roots in my life. Gossip, pride, selfishness, lying, settling, and so many other sins - big ones and little ones.

He's relentlessly sovereign. I didn't/don't understand why those dearest to me are suffering, why I had to break up and become single when all of my friends are married. Why I get to play this balance of pursuing it/but not letting it control me. I don't understand why I can't move forward in areas that are so critical to my future. I don't understand why people make the choices they do. But I don't get to choose any of that. God is God, and He will do, or allow what He wants, people to have free will to make good or poor decisions. He's God, He's not safe, but He's good.

He's relentlessly pursuing reconciliation and unity. I've had some friends either begin anew after God moved powerfully within our hearts for a long time to have a conversation. Starting friends anew - without the lies of the past interfering. Or the opposite - a break down in the friendship caused a renewed effort to reconcile and rebuild it to greater than it used to be over time.

God is a relentless God.

24 was a pretty hard year. Harder than I ever thought it would be. I wanted to give up several times, just let this season overwhelm me. God wouldn't let that happen though - and He truly "raised the dead in me", renewed, refreshed my spirit, sometimes just enough to take another step. It was a desert and a growing season all at once. I wonder what 25 will bring. I'm confident in the faithfulness and love of my God will get me through - the joy or the pain.

Loose Lips Sink Ships

"Loose lips sink ships."

So tonight is part rant, part confession.

There's been a situation with a person that was ongoing for two years. This person hasn't been in my life in almost a year, but the ripple effects were pretty huge. I was very careful to not speak of the troubles to anyone except a few coworkers who pulled me aside and asked what was going on at the time, and a few friends because of how close the person was to others. I didn't want to draw negative attention to them. It faded out, except random things here and there. But we've both moved on with our lives, not resolved in the way it should be, but as best as it can for now.

Well, recently, I found out a coworker's wife would be working with this person. So I felt a need to "warn" them, and I did so tonight, becoming as blunt as I'd ever become. Only said a few things, but that was enough.

And right behind him was my pastor's dad.

I was quite horrified, and it was like God timed it perfectly.

I was quite furious after for gossiping there for a while. What is he going to think of me? I never do this. I'm so good, so perfect at this. I'm reaming myself out, wondering about my reputation, wondering about what people will think, what my pastor will think.

At least I thought I was.

Until God, in his not-so-gentle-way said to me "You weren't mad about gossiping, Sarah. You were mad you were caught." I respond back my not-so-humbling admittance of "Crap, God, you're right." I wasn't even sorry. I was just mad I was caught and part of the real me was showing. God starts telling me I deserve the title of gossip if I earn it. I start responding back, asking God to humble me, to make me regret this.

I'd gone through a time of two years ago of God really teaching me and sealing me up from gossiping. i'm not saying no one can trust me, that I can't keep secrets. I can now, more so than ever. But I still fall and fail. I still suck. I thought was doing better.

Not as good as I thought. My pride has been taking a tumble tonight. I'm seeing the depth of my own depravity and sin all over again. It's quite humbling to see this need. I've been saying "Okay, God, if you're going to do this, let's go for it. Let's gut the rest of this out. I'm still not as sorry, but make me. Make me feel regret. Tear down this pride. This performance-need, this want for perfection, for everyone to view me as something I'm actually not right now."

I tried to talk to a coworker I'm really close to, just telling her I was caught gossiping and the reason behind it. She played it down, saw nothing wrong, and said every one does it.

But I follow Jesus. This is something that's supposed to set me apart. Doesn't it? Am I not supposed to be different, especially in this one area, where every one else sees nothing wrong with it?

I want to be, I'm asking God to make me different.

I no longer want to be this depraved, sinful person that gossips.

So one of my other coworkers, basically a boss, is a really awesome Christian. And I related the story, and he laughed with me at the fact of God's biting (and needed) comment.

I want to unroot this.  To find why I tend to gossip, to find why I have this need to perform and look a certain way. It's humbling to realize I deserve this title, when I want nothing of it. It really sucks to think it, to know it.

Aaaah. Okay, God. Here I am. Use me. Break me down. Rebuild me up.

Different Kind of Free

So, wow, major update is needed here. I started this blog over a month ago...and then life (school) became crazier than I anticipated, so I took a break from everything I could until I could breathe again. :-)

So here's what I started writing in mid-April...

"My fast has been over a week.

Boy, has it been a crazy week.

My focus was solely on God during my fast and removing things from my heart, and seeing the deeper purpose of that.

My fast just faded out on a day. I woke up the next, and it was over. While my attitudes and actions didn't change, it's like a light flipped from off to on.

God has challenged me to keep the blinders off as I walk with Him.

Dang, the blinders are off.

I'm seeing cute single men every where. Smiling at me, taking notice of me. I'm smiling back, feeling the excitement of it.

When I started this journey in February, I had a wise woman tell me to keep my focus on Jesus, to go out with my girlfriends, to find out who I was. She encouraged me to find joy and to move forward and never settle.

When she first told me that, I thought it was impossible. How could I do that? How could I heal? How could I make room for another relationship if I'm not actively pursuing it? I didn't believe I could accomplish that.

She is wiser than I ever gave her credit for.

My fast forced me to do a lot of "impossible" things. I let go, I moved on. I stopped loving someone. I found a new kind of freedom. A different kind of free. A different kind of hope. I've found a new excitement and thrill in life. I'm letting sides and passions of me come out I once held in restraint because I was fearful of being judged. I'm now seeing how beautiful God has created me, and everything has a balance, including this crazy side of me.

It feels fun, freeing to start seeing and feeling confident in myself, in what God has for me. But I have to continually remind myself "Open hands, open, hands God. I give this all to you." Leaning into expectancy, not expectations.

It's a moment by moment, second by second challenge.

I need to completely delving myself into God, into this season, into school, and work, and all these possibilities on the horizon.

I'm still striving to see beauty from ashes. Don't get me wrong - I'm not this happy-go-lucky, "the world is perfect!" Christian. I hope I defy the perception most people have of Christians. I want to be real, honest, gut-wrenching.

I told a  few friends back in January, right when this all started, I feel like I'm on the verge of something huge. That after this trial, something big is going to happen. I don't know or see what that is. It's this crazy inner knowledge that God is going to do something huge.

I'm finding myself feel that, but instead of clinging to it for hope, I cling to it in JOY. In expectancy. Of the unknowing, the tension of not knowing when God is going to do something, but I can feel His Kingdom breaking through."

Since then...I've found living in this "blinder off" thing much harder than I expected. Living in the grey (I prefer the British spelling, haha) is much more difficult. I'm a black and white kinda girl. I don't want to have to read between the lines. Let's make it clear, let's go at this speed, let's finish at this time, and this is what we are going to do. Grey doesn't work for me. Living in the inbetween, in the limbo, no, no way. One way or the other please.

In this, I don't have any clear defined boundaries of 'yes/no'. Instead, God is calling me to His heart, to balance this desire of a relationship, but to live fully and pursue community and all the crazy things He's called me to.

As I told a dear friend last night, living in the grey s-u-c-k-s. I tend to veer one way or the other on something. And now I'm called to live in the middle of both? Aaaah. Everything in my flesh screams "NO NO NO. Don't You know or see how impossible this is, God?"

I don't have control in this, so it's another area of sacrificing every part of me to His will and His submission.

After connecting with some old friends from five years ago recently...it was mentioned to me by both they felt like they didn't know me. I had changed that much. I was once a girl, full of insecurities, hurt covered by self-righteousness, judgement and pride, all the while longing people to accept me as I was, unknowingly needing people to call me out in that in a right way. To be honest, I wouldn't want to be friends with me five years ago. I was a very stuck-up, judgmental, prideful Christian. I was full of hurt and insecurities I learned to disguise by unhealthy patterns and habits in my actions toward others.

Then I connected with a wonderful community. They came along side me and first they accepted me, then called me out of my ugly sin, my unhealthy patterns, my pride, my insecurities, saw my hurt and caused me to face it. They walked along side me as I began to confront these issues, as I began to heal, change and transform. I saw myself as I truly was, and their support gave me the courage to step out into the wonderful, daring, sassy woman of Christ I am today.

I didn't think I'd like tattoos. Or secular music. That I want and plan to color my hair crazy colors. Or say the sassy things I do. That I could ever heal from brokenness or hurt that I carried around for years. That I was accepted and am accepted for who I was and am. That I would want to do nursing. That I'd want to travel overseas and learn a second language. Or date the people I have in the past. The risks I'd take. That two of my best and closest friends that I talk to almost daily aren't Christians. I never thought I was anything like this. But the more I've stepped into who I truly am, the more it's surprised me, but the more free I've felt. The more comfortable in my skin I've become. The closer to God I've become. I've seen through His eyes to who I am, and I'm seeing, if only in part, others as He sees them. It's a different kind of free and I'll never regret it for a second.

I'm so thankful for community...I never would have gotten through the last five months without them. I wouldn't have become the girl I am now without the support of a loving Christian community. Without God, my before and after. Moving forward...I wonder about the woman I'll become - what will she be like? I guess there's nothing to do but just wait and dive into the here and now and see what happens. :-)

Handful of flowers...

It's been a few weeks, but it feels like a few years.

Oh paradigms. They can be healthy and not so healthy. They're a set of assumptions, concepts, values and practices on how we view our reality.

God's been doing crazy stuff in my heart. I'm taking this thing called The Ultimate Journey and I'm in the last section "Phase 3", that's 15 weeks long. In it, we finally take things from Phase 1 and Phase 2, see our paradigms, and put God's truth in them and start living a new way of life. I've seen a lot of paradigms come out over the last several years, and it's really cool to see where I've been and where I've come to in this journey. God has done a lot of healing and breaking throughs, and changing from a childlike person who was deeply insecure and didn't see the beauty that God gave me, or the crazy personality, talents and dreams He's given me. It's been two years since I've done Phase 2, and a lot has changed. A lot of ways I view the world and people were addressed and radically changed. Not all of my paradigms have been, but it's a journey, pun intended. :-)

So in this, I saw and finally after a lot of prayer and searching, found words for a paradigm I've been living out of my whole life in how I view God. In a nutshell "I view God as a loving, wonderful God who gives the best to everyone - but me. I will ruin it or mess it up, and I am undeserving of the wonderful "bests" He has to offer. I'm undeserving of so much, including and ESPECIALLY the bests of the bests, and therefore He won't ever give them to me. I will always be on the sidelines, rejoicing for all my friends and others who are given those good gifts." The words 'overlooked, undeserving, not enough,' are all lies that the enemy tries to fit in with this paradigm of untruth in how I view my Father.

I love God, and I know He loves me. I simply think He won't give me the bests of the best in practically anything. It'll always be a few rungs below of what others get - whether it be careers, grades, relationships, money, even petty things like friendships, etc.

Since I've seen this paradigm, God is moving to confront and breakdown this decades old paradigm. It's started slowly - starting with me just asking God to break it, asking to walk with open hands. I've spent a lot of time going to God in the midst of the day when ever I see this start up.

When I began this season in January, I clung to the song "Love Song For a Savior", that along with other songs like "Embrace", and "Fail Us Not". It starts out with "In open fields of wild flowers she breathes the air and flies away. She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses in no simple language. Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all...someday, He'll call her, and she will come running, and fall in his arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray 'I want to fall in love with You'". It's held true to my life, and God is making it true in many ways. When I've asked to walk with open hands, giving things back to God, I picture my hands being emptied and opening my hands toward Him. In sacrifice, in worship, in just letting go and seeing what He does and how He chooses to fill them.

Last week, I had a person pray for me over some things in my life, and she saw God filling my hands with flowers (not even knowing my 'picture'). I had just seen myself walking in a meadow, wearing a dress and wind blowing all around me, but I pause to admire the flowers, and thank God for their beauty. I began praying over that picture a lot this week.

Today, He decided to crash through that 'overlooked and untended' part of my paradigm. In a big way. He's crashing through it. I went to this event called Considering Lily my church held. I really didn't expect anything but a good time. Why would God choose to speak to me during this? During the ministry time, I started feeling God confront this paradigm. I had already teared up during worship, and start suspecting God moving, but I didn't want to 'get my hopes up' and leave unsatisfied, so I just asked God make my heart raw and open with willing ears to listen to what Julie had to say and be content in that. At the end, during ministry, I got the buildup in my chest of "Oh gosh, He's going to break a wall here. I don't know if I'm ready for this." That fear/anticipation of knowing He's breaking a wall, but not knowing if you're ready for it. I felt tears roll down my face and a woman came up to pray for me. After, she told me how this image she received of how God views me as He is the gardener, and I am one of his precious daisies or flowers that He cares and tends to above all the rest. He loves the rest, but He nurtures and cares for me. Little did she know that I - and God - have been using flowers in this season in my 'pictures' of where I am and where I'm going. When this woman spoke to me today, telling me how God views me as a wonderful flower...I started crying. He loves and cares for me, He views me as valuable to tend and invest in. Watering and fertilizing me, watching me bloom above the rest as a beloved, beautiful bloom. This crashes through a wall of that "undeserving" paradigm.

His eye is on the sparrow...but His heart is on me. His heart is on me and tends to me, cares for me and loves me.

Wow. Just wow. I'm seeing His love in a whole new way this season, one that's tender and adoring, that speaks with me. Constantly. Not just a "hey, Sarah, guess what I'm going to do and you have no power here." Or only twice a week. He's consistently speaking and moving, and boy does He have an opinion on things. :-) He's a God that loves His kids and talking to us, He wants to do what's best for us, and showing us our true desires. His plans for us are often part of our plans...but so much better.

I think I'm going to get a pot of flowers to tend to this spring as a reminder.

 Embrace

I want to feel Your embrace
I want to feel Your arms around
I want to feel Your heart beating
Next to mine, next to mine

And it's telling me

It's all gonna be okay
It's all gonna be okay
It's all gonna be okay
It's all gonna be okay

I want to see You Your face
Want to see who I can be
Want to see what You can see
In the mirror of Your eyes

And You're telling me

It's all gonna be okay
It's all gonna be okay
It's all gonna be okay
It's all gonna be okay

And I know, if Your eye is on the sparrow
Then Your heart is on me

Stepping Out

So my fast is day by day process.

It's original intention was to free my heart of a relationship I recently left. I was (and am) fasting all contact with this person. There's really no set end-date for this, except an estimate. The reason I started this fast was to free my heart - to really give myself space and make a clean break. I dated someone and I broke up with him, and while we had been broken up nearly a month, my heart was still hurting. It was still aching, hurting, and I missed him. I felt trapped in the hurt and pain, and I wanted freedom. I wanted a time that I could specifically dedicate to Christ. In my pain, I've come closer to the heart of God than I ever knew. I've seen a new side of tender mercy and protection over His beloved.

The reasons I broke up with him were good - they were right. But that didn't make that following month, or some of this any easier. Our heart often tends to do one of two things of past relationships it seems. It seems to focus on all the bad of the relationship, and cause bitterness for that person. Or it wants to focus on all the good, and forget all the 'bad' and the reasons we did break up with someone. I seem to go back and forth. There are days I'm on a high and "I dodged a bullet!" I walk with my head high and I realize all the good reasons we broke up. There are so many reasons that I did dodge a bullet. Our beliefs ranging from what love is, to our beliefs on reasons for divorce were different. Then there are days (fewer and fewer) that my heart aches a little and I realize a mistake I made in the relationship, or I remember another good thing about him and it takes on more meaning. How I didn't sacrifice enough - step out with him enough, I was too sensitive in something, etc. How he was patient and good with me, supportive, affirming and kind. Those are the days I am constantly going to God, giving Him my thoughts and lordship over my actions. Those days are the days I find my fast most challenging.

Since beginning my fast, I feel like God has challenged me to live in the unknown. Challenging me to not settle. It's a process of learning to live in this big unknown of dating and what if's. I have to admit, it's a constant fight and war from the world to 'settle'. To date and marry someone who doesn't have Jesus as his everything. People have their two cents of who they think you should date or why you're single and how not to be single.

I've gotta admit, I've got some beef for (single) Christian men out there. This is just a snippet of my feelings, and protest all you want, but I've got some experience on what I say, and I'm also speaking the words of other Christian women that are single and not. So here it goes. Most (single) Christian men in the church seem too scared to shake the waters to ask a girl out. We're all caught in this strange warp of not saying anything  to each other. My guesses are, Christian men don't want to because they want to treat women with respect, and they view by not saying anything, it causes less disruption, the courtship movement, "waiting on God's timing", etc. but it seems most lose the guts to be brave and step out. There's a lot of misconceptions in that. Hey guys, it's going to be awkward the first time or two if we're not interested (and vice-versa!), but we all move on. So let's stop hiding and step out a little more, okay? We're all adults here, we can talk about this. I honestly like and appreciate a guy who's blunt and in my face and gutsy enough to ask me out, even if nothing happens.

By the way, I'm sure single Christian men have a few things to say about us women, and I'd be interested in hearing them. I'm sure I and other single Christian women have faults that keep Christian men away. Are not forward enough in being interested?

God's been challenging me in my fears. One of my biggest fears is turning 30 and being single. I know, I know, I hear people all the time say "You won't be 30 and single."

They don't know that.

That's their plans for my life. They're so sweet and encouraging. I really do appreciate it. And maybe they're right. I hope they're right. They tell me I deserve an amazing guy. I mean, my coffee shop baristas even randomly just ask me why I'm not with someone and tell me how shocked they are I'm not. They tell me I deserve an amazing man. My friends, social circles, married and not married a like say the same. Married moms with kids. While it's so sweetly and genuinely meant as an encouragement, I can't always place my bets on that. I've gotta pursue dating, yes, but I've got to keep a life. An active relationship with God, my single friends, my married friends, school, church, work. That's all pretty exhausting. And I'm not sure when or how to step out in this. By the way, what the heck does stepping out in dating look like if you're not willing to try dating sites and you want a Christian man? I'm not desperate for marriage, but I want to step out and see what dating has to offer. God's made me to be this gutsy, awesome, fiery Christian girl. I'm not a woman who's willing to sit down and take the back seat and simply "follow" someone. I'm going to be right up there with them, paving the way. Loving others along the way, and speaking out and talking about loving and doing radical things. Living life crazy (mostly) carefree and fun, but also with a degree of seriousness, depth and passion.

But hey, back to the biggest fear thing. God's been calling and confronting me in that. I'm also facing the facts of God is God and He can do whatever He wants. My heart has been a million places. While I want things, I don't want them if they're not of God. If marriage or a husband isn't led or directed by God, I certainly don't want that. I feel and felt I was made not only to be a nurse, a giver and a server, someone who does crazy things for God, but I also know that innately I was made to be a wife and mother. But people have unfulfilled desires all the time. I honestly would give almost anything to be a wife and mother. There's one thing I wouldn't give up - and that's following the plan and heart of God. He's calling me out in that.

So I'm going to leave this rather open-ended. I just admitted one of my biggest fears to the world, and I'm not sure where I'm going to end up in that. And that's okay. Because I'm going to be okay in the end, 'cause God has my back.

Ash Wednesday

So I grew up without Ash Wednesday. Never celebrated it until last year. Honestly, I still don't know that much about it, except Catholics and some Lutherans celebrate it.  It begins exactly 46 days until Easter, etc. For me it's a preparation of waiting. 40 days until we celebrate the sacrifice and the resurrection of Jesus. Jesus fasted and prayed for 40 days and was tempted by Satan in the desert. This was some of the last steps of His earthly ministry.

I've done some research and I'm moved by the spiritual significance of it. I'm going to try my own fasting of something and we'll see at the end of it how it progresses.

I already feel a bit more free. Today, after making my decision, I felt at peace about it, happy, freer. But I want freedom in more fullness. The last few months has been challenging. But I'm already closer to my dreams. I don't want anything or anyone outside of God and His will to stop, change, or move me away from that.

I don't have the courage to be honest and let it out to everyone of what's gone on, and some of it I am not at liberty to share. I hope by the end of my fast I'll be able to say what's gone on since January and before.

Tonight I'll attend a special service at my church celebrate Lent. I can't wait. Bring on the fast. Bring on the freedom.

Here I Go

Aaaaah, February! I welcome you with open arms and flip-flops on my feet!


We've had an unusually warm winter. I wore shorts and flip flops in January and February. I've loved it. The weather has been very encouraging despite all the chaos of the last month.


January was pretty hard on me. For a span of three weeks, nearly every day I had something crash and break in every area of my life. It touched the things that were important and some I hold dear to my heart - my immediate family, my extended family, finances, work, relationships, friends, school, etc. I felt like I was falling apart, that my life was a living hell. I cried almost every day, and even broke down at work a time or two. I hadn't cried in months before January happened.


I welcome February because I feel like my life is starting to stabilize. No, it's not perfect. Rather, my perspectives on these things are starting to change.  It's not back to where it was before January hit. It never will be. A lot of these things aren't "repaired" if you can call it that, or transitioned. At the same time, I feel God working in me, in my mind, in my body, and especially in my heart. He's healing me, setting me free. I feel a fire returning to my spirit. I feel joy again - I always had it, but lost sight of it for a while. Things aren't going to get "easier", rather they're just amping up for the next few big things that are going to happen. Good and bad things. Challenging things. Crazy cool things.


I finally feel ready to start stepping out in more areas of my life. I've done some reflecting and realized where I was three years ago, and how during those three years God had a plan and purpose in my life for each of those years. It's brought me to where I am now - and I want to start stepping out in faith and confidence in that.

I cannot wait for the spring. I think that's why I've loved the last few days. I've always loved the fresh renewal of spring. God was reminding me the last few days of His renewal in our spirits, in our hearts...and that He makes all things new.


So what's holding me back? Let's make a break for it.




Relient K wrote a song several years ago that describes my feelings right now.


"Here I Go (Demo)"

Woahoo believe me I have tried 
to work this out from my inside 
Then I finally realized I 
Just need to move on with my life 
Gotta make something of it 
Not just sit around and wait for it 
This place is like a prison 
I think I’m going to make a break for it 

Woahoo here I go 
Its like I’m living for the first time 
Woahoo here I go 
I think it is the first time I felt alive 

I’ve been suppressed I’ve been let down 
Been pushed aside been pushed around 
There is only one thing I need and 
that’s something you can’t take from me 

Gotta make something of it 
Not just sit around an wait for it 
This place is like a prison 
I think I’m going to make a brake for it 

Woahoo here I go 
Its like I’m living for the first time 
Woahoo here I go 
I think it is the first time I felt alive 
Woahoo here I go 
Its like I’m living for the first time 
Woahoo here I go 
I think it is the first time I felt alive 

Move out move on 
If you blink then I’m gone 
I’ve only got one life to live 
I’ll live it now 

You have you doubt 
I’ll prove them wrong 
This is the only thing I know 
So here I go